Their motto: “It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.”
“Which side of the door do you want to be on?”, they ask.
I think that we should encourage this behaviour until it includes all Americans, who will flee and hunker down in bunkers for a while.
Why? I’ll tell you.
Things that are great about Americans preparing for the apocalypse
This will save me time crossing the border. I don’t know if it’s my charming, n’er-do-well, mischief-making smile or the dynamite strapped to my body, but I’m always questioned for ages. I think the immigration official sees the number of stamps in my passport and alarm bells go off. The brows knit and the interrogation begins, always with the same questions.
This is the conversation I have every time:
“I see you have STAMPS in your passport.”
“Must do a lot of TRAVELLING.”
“Why would someone ever leave their native country?”
“To see the world.”
“Hahaha. Good one. Hmmm. I see you have VIETNAM here. A COMMUNIST country who defeated us in battle!”
“That is so.”
“And CHINA. And RUSSIA!”
“Enemies of the free world.”
“How did you pay for these trips?”
“With funding from the Taliban.”
“With money your mother paid me in casual installments.”
“I saved up.”
“And what is your intention in coming to the U.S. for three days?”
“I’m visiting New York.”
“Oh YEAH? Don’t plan on STAYING do you?”
“You got me.”
“I plan to leave Canada, a country that enjoys public healthcare and cheap education, in order to work illegally in a country with some of the highest gun ownership and homicide rates in the industrialised world, where I will pay an exorbitant sum for healthcare and look forward to paying potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars for the education of my children.”
“I KNEW IT!”
OK. Fine. I don’t say all of that. But I want to.
This is the conversation I will have at customs now that he is hiding in some bunker somewhere peeing himself:
“. . .”
It gets better. While Americans are hiding in their bunkers, we can walk right into their houses and eat all their meatloaf. It looks like a log of poo, but it tastes like a loaf of ground meat bits from every animal you know about. Our intentions could also be benign. For example, we could confiscate their guns. High gun ownership rates and high homicide rates might be linked. JUST SAYING. IT IS A REMOTE POSSIBILITY. DON’T SHOOT. Other things I would like to take from the United States while everyone is hiding: Natalie Portman; Ray LaMontagne; New York. A lot of stuff, actually. That I don’t want to get shot. It’s a bit childish, but I’d also like to pee on the doorstep of The Westboro Baptist Church.
There’s a whole bunch of stuff I’d like to do there that requires people though. Examples: taste the food in New Orleans; attend a black southern gospel church; listen to music in Austen, Texas; and many more.
So eventually, it would be OK for them to come out again.