Archive for August, 2012

SOMETIMES IT’S NICE to think about a song that’s relatively straightforward. A good example is Ray Lavender’s “My Girl Got a Girlfriend.”

Ray Lavender: kind of hungry.

“Ooh. I know what you like,” he croons. “Convict.” Ray Lavender knows what a woman likes: someone who has been to prison. Women love convicts. This is a little-known fact. Studies have shown that single women have three main priorities in searching for a potential life-mate: looks, income, and jail-time. This has led some online dating sites to add a new advanced search option: “amount of time spent in prison.”

The song continues: “I just got off work. It’s one thirty. I’m kinda hungry.” Ray Lavender tells us what he’s been doing, what the time is, and that he wants to eat something. This isn’t a song. It’s a conversation set to music. But that’s the genius of it. It’s like he’s sitting right there in the room with you, just telling you what the time is. Also: “My girl got a girlfriend it really is not a problem.” Ray Lavender pulls his chair closer to you and warms his hands in front of the fire. Adding: “I’m about to give you both the business.”

Here is the only real ambiguity in the song. At first, you think he means “sex”. And you’re not sure you’re down for that. Ray Lavender has a certain attractive, debonair charm, but you thought you were just sitting down and talking by the fire. But then you think: wait. Why would Ray Lavender use this strangely coy euphemism for sex in a song about an MFF threesome? What he really means is “the business section of the newspaper.” “Hey, I’m about to finish with this section of the paper, would you like to read it? The business?” In the end, Ray Lavender is a nice guy.

He can give me the business anytime.


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Zombie Mum or Zombie MILF?

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE: civilisation has crumbled and your mum wants to eat your brains. You know it’s going to happen one day. What to do in anticipation of such horror?

Sell bullets. Zombie bullets.

An American manufacturer of ammunition, Hornady Manufacturing Company, is selling bullets designed specifically for killing zombies. Their slogan: “Be PREPARED – supply yourself for the Zombie Apocalypse with Zombie Max ammunition from Hornady! Loaded with PROVEN Z-Max bullets.” And it’s their most successful product.

What makes Z-Max bullets effective against zombies? As Steve Hornady, President of Hornady Manufacturing, explains, there is actual thought behind their design. A disturbing lot of thought: “Well, head shots or brain stem are the only effective shots on Zed so we focused on rapid fire quick recovery rounds.” Right. After all: “speed kills and in the case of zombies, you can’t always assume there will always be enough decayed flesh or bone to reliably expand a heavier or slower bullet.”

So if you think that these are regular bullets repackaged as zombie bullets, as some tongue-in-cheek gimmick, think again. This is no ordinary ammunition. These bullets are completely different. These are rapid fire quick recovery rounds.

Also, the tips are lime green.

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I LOVE SONGS that tell it like it is. I far prefer them to songs by more disingenuous artists. Artists who are less genuous. Take Lady Gaga. Now, Lady Gaga claims to have been “born this way”. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t come out of the womb wearing a dress made out of meat. This is just not realistic. Who made the meat dress? How did they get it into the womb? What about the nature vs. nurture debate?

Fortunately, Bruno Mars has written a song about realism. “Grenade” is about making realistic promises.

He starts off with some unrealistic promises to create a contrast. “I would catch a grenade for you,” he sings. Now, these are dangerous times but I personally have never been lobbed live ordnance. It’s easy to make promises like this, which you’ll never be called out on. It’s like promising: “I would hold enriched uranium from Iran without a hazard suit on.” Or: “I would hold ten of the world’s most dangerous snakes at the same time.” Or: “I would wrestle a shark riding on the back of a tiger riding on the back of an elephant.” A bit empty. Bruno also pledges: “I’d jump in front of a train for you.” This seems more plausible at first, until you ask: “In what sort of scenario would a woman benefit from having a man who loves her run over by a train?” I can think of two: if she needed the insurance money. And: Inception. The point is that it’s going to have to be pretty exceptional circumstances. Why not something that might actually happen? Like, “I would make fondue for your mother’s 60th birthday party.” Or just, “I would stop leaving my dirty laundry on the floor, because I know you hate that.” Or, “I would make dinner tonight, maybe pasta carbonara.” Start small and work your way up to grenades, man.

And ultimately, this is Bruno Mars’ point. He’s drawing out the unrealistic nature of such promises through exaggeration.

On a side-note, the line I love most from this song is: “You’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car.” I assume she’s doing this with her bare hands. That’s fucking awesome. Marry that girl. Either she has super strength or she’s a robot. Either way, win.

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I DECIDED TO START POSTING one thing that I find awesome each week.

Here it is: PSY’s music video for Gangnam Style.

The first thing to note about this clip is the signature dance move:

PSY is a South-Korean rapper who graduated from Berklee College of Music in the States. The song refers to Gangnam, an affluent suburb in Seoul, where everyone wears bright orange vests and dances like they’re riding on a horse. The most popular past-times include singing in buses and lying on the floors of elevators between the legs of gyrating men performing pelvic thrusts.

The song is like every Benny Benassi song mashed into one, redubbed in Korean and made awesome. The lyrics feature such amazing lines as: “A guy who one-shots his coffee before it even cools down“. Don’t scoff. When was the last time you chugged steaming hot coffee?

The best thing about the music video is the kid at 0:21. Another notable highlight occurs at 1:38 where PSY turns to the girl doing yoga and just screams at her ass. I shouldn’t omit elevator guy at 1:55.

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