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Archive for September, 2012

A Sexy Fish

I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Akon is struggling to find a respectful way to describe a woman. After this mighty internal struggle, the word he comes up with is: “bitch”. “Sexy bitch”.

The first thing to note is that perhaps it shouldn’t be that hard a task. The second thing to note is that this song is not about a fish.

I had a heated argument with a friend about this. I swore black and blue that in the chorus, Akon sings “a sexy fish.” Listen to it. I challenge you. Tell me you don’t hear it. This made me kind of excited about the song. Much like a song about bees, it was unprecedented – a pop song about a fish. It created an image in my mind with which I was loath to part.

Picture it. It’s a stormy night. Rain clouds light up as thunder booms. There’s a small wooden boat being tossed about on the waves. In the boat, Akon struggles against a monster of the deep. Sweat beads his brow. His knuckles are white, the fishing rod held in an iron grip. The waves are exploding around him, slapping against each other and shooting spray up into the air. Akon sits still, all his concentration on the rod in his hands, like a meditating Buddha. The silent battle rages. You know what comes next. With a final heave, Akon wrenches the fish out of the ocean, up over his head, and slams it down onto the wooden slats of his rickety fishing boat. His eyes widen in surprise.

The fish. It’s . . . sexy.

Damn. A sexy fish.

Mmmm

What was it about this fish that Akon found so sexy? I don’t know. I didn’t write the song. What drives any man to write an ode to a fish? Nothing, normally. It’s a fish. But Akon saw something – something that no-one else could see. Perhaps it was the sensual, puckered lips. Perhaps it was the soft, delicate gills, opening and closing seductively in the lashing wind and rain. Sometimes, on a boat, a man gets lonely. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Perhaps it was just the right time at the right place. In the end, all we know is that the fish was sexy. This was the sexiest fish anyone had ever seen. There was a tuna that was pretty attractive once, but it didn’t have that same je-ne-sais-quoi. Akon stands in his little boat, in awe of the glistening body before him. Waves collide and foam rushes up over the side of the boat and covers the fish, leaving it glimmering. Akon falls to his knees, mesmerized. He lifts his head. And he begins to sing.

And that’s how I thought this song was written.

Thanks for nothing, Akon.

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DO YOU EVER HAVE A WEEK where everything is awful? Everything just seems to go wrong.

Your pitch is rejected, and you’re neck-deep in immigration papers, and other stuff is terrible, so on and so forth, and then when you’re walking in the metro station, rushing because you’re late for something, you trip down the stairs and you die, and it turns out that the Mormons were right, so you go to Hell. And then you’re in Hell, and you’re being forced to drink sausage juice (this is how I imagine Hell), but then you open your eyes and you realise that you’re being overdramatic, you’re not really dead, you’re just semi-conscious at the bottom of the stairs, and a newspaper flutters down from the sky and lands on your face, and you read this:

EEL REMOVED FROM MAN’S RECTUM

And you’re like: oh, wait. That actually really sucks.

You stand up and brush yourself off and you don’t feel as bad because hey, at least an eel wasn’t in your rectum.

The situation didn’t happen to me EXACTLY like that but close enough for our purposes here. I mean the newspaper didn’t fall onto my face from the SKY and there were no actual STAIRS and no actual NEWSPAPER. But God. It is MORE OR LESS accurate. The important thing is that a man really had an eel up his rectum.

I think this is a good life philosophy to have in general when something goes wrong. When life looks grim, think about how horrible this experience would be, and cheer up and smile. It’s not that bad. An eel isn’t up your rectum (unless it is). (I hope it’s not). (You should probably go to the hospital).

So yeah. This post is dedicated to that guy, who made my life a little bit brighter.

Thanks, dude who had an eel up his rectum.

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Lava lake

WE ALL HAVE something impossible on our bucket list. Something that we might never do.

This guy did it.

His name is Drew Bristol, and this is him looking down into a churning lake of lava in Mt. Marum, a volcano on Ambrym Island:

The expedition leader was George Mackley, an extreme filmmaker from New Zealand. The lava lake is about the size of two and a half football fields, with a temperature of some 2,000 degrees Celsius.

A surprising fact about Ambrym Island, which is located in the archipelago of Vanuatu: it was not named by an action role-playing game enthusiast, but by Captain Cook. The name means “here are yams”.

The complete ten minute video of Mackley’s expedition is worth it:

Click me

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like all of my wildest dreams . . . in one moment.”

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THIS IS THE CUTEST THING I know about:

Here is a beetle that can be controlled by remote control via a computer chip attached to its brain:

And this is the most beautiful song ever:

Here is another awesome song I want you to watch:

And this:

OK.

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Simone de Beauvoir

Où êtes-vous en ce moment précis? Peut-être dans un autre avion. Quand vous regagnerez notre petit foyer, je serai là, cachée sous le lit et partout. Désormais je serai toujours avec vous, dans les rues tristes de Chicago, sous le métro aérien, dans la chambre solitaire, je serai avec vous comme une épouse aimante avec son mari bien-aimé. Nos n’aurons pas de réveil car ce n’était pas un rêve; c’est une merveilleuse histoire réelle qui ne fait que commencer. Je vous sens avec moi, là où j’irai vous irez, non votre seul regard, vous tout entier. Je vous aime, il n’y a rien d’autre à ajouter.  Vous me prenez dans vos bras, je me serre contre vous, je vous embrasse comme je vous embrassais.

Votre Simone

[Note: I chose an extract from her love letters, rather than from her literary or philosophical work, because it’s what I’m reading at the moment, as part of Mission Français]

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IN AN OMEN OF DOOM, a section of the Yangtze River near the Chinese town of Chongqing turned red. Blood red. Well. Tomato red. Kind of orange-red. Atomic tangerine.

The Yangtze, which is the third longest river in the world, runs from the Tibetan Plateau into the East China Sea. Scientists have described the colour change as “scientific proof that the end times are upon us” (probably). This confirms again the rationale behind this blog, which is that the world is ending on December 21, 2012.

“This is where we make Gatorade.”

Some sceptics have described these images as “photoshopped“. Well, OK. Talk about nit-picking. It might not actually be THIS red. But it is quite orangish. The possible causes being discussed include red tide, silt, and industrial pollution. Red tide can be dismissed: it’s a coastal, saltwater phenomenon. The official report from the Chinese government blames silt, which could be linked to earthquakes in the Yilang region days earlier. An official press release: “The pristine waters of the Yangtze River around Chongqing run pure and free, and are absolutely not filthy dumping grounds for sewerage and industrial waste.” Why would they lie? On the other hand, according to Google Maps, even on a good day the river tends to become reddish as it passes industrial sites. This is all speculation. Red tide, silt, industrial waste . . . I have a much simpler explanation.

The Mayans did it.

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Everybody was Cane Fu fighting!

I guarantee that at least half of you heard a little Oriental riff after reading that sentence.

So this is an actual thing. It’s a martial art adapted for the elderly and disabled. An accomplished practitioner is called a Cane Master. If you learn from Cane-Do Kai founder Joe Robaina (who also teaches to the young and abled-bodied), you can even learn “energy cane healing based on Quantum Physics.” I don’t know what the hell that is, and I’m 100% positive that neither does he, but it sounds amazing. Is there anything quantum physics can’t do?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: what damage could an old man with a cane possibly do?

Well, I guess it would depend if he had THIS CANE MADE OUT OF AIRCRAFT GRADE FUCKING ALUMINIUM. It’s called the “Robaina Raven”:

Or THIS cane:

The answer is that that old man with a cane is going to fuck shit up.

Especially if he ALSO has this: the ZapCane Stun Cane, which is charged with a current of ONE MILLION VOLTS. This is basically Gandalf’s staff (with a built-in flashlight). You’re going to beat through muggers like Gandalf cutting through Orcs outside Hornburg in Helm’s Deep. Buy yours here.

So yeah. Cane Fu: all you need is a cane do attitude.

HAR HAR.

When I found this video the only part of the title displayed was: “Elderly Americans Learn How to Whack.” Tee hee.

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