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Archive for February, 2013

THE PROBLEM WITH SAYING PUBLICLY that you’re going to do something is that you then have to do it. Which is why I’ve avoided blogging. Because if I’m really going to complete this project, and live this year as if it’s the last year of earthly things – which, as I explained, I have excellent scientific reasons to believe – then I’m going to have to do quite a lot of shit.

Let me illustrate this for a moment using Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. I talk to myself a lot in my head and here is me number one:

Yeah!

ME NUMBER ONE: “I am going to live this life as if it were the last year of earthly things. YEAH!”

But then me number two is all like:

original

“Um. Sure you are. OK.”

And me number one is like:

start now

“I AM! I’M GOING TO START RIGHT NOW.”

And me number two is like:

jen

“You failed.”

But then there’s a third me, me number three, who is like:

Yeah2!

“YOU CAN DO IT, ME NUMBER ONE.”

And then psychologists arrive with a straitjacket. “Sir, you seem to be suffering from a mental illness.”

“Shutup, Jennifer Lawrence and I are talking in my head. She’s me. And I am her.”

“Uh . . .”

The point is that I said I was going to do this project, this project of living like it’s the end of things, but then I got scared and stopped blogging, but now I’m back, back to kick the ass of life. I have some big goals this year, including recording my first EP, starting grad school, boating up the Amazon, and many others, but my next immediate goal for this blog is a small one: it’s to write and record a happy song. A lot of my songs are sad and depressing, except like . . . three . . . and one of those three is about Archimedes and in the end he dies . . . so it’s not that happy . . . And people have told me, dude, write a happy song. So I’m going to write a song, it’s going to be called Happy Love Song, and post it here. Stay posted.

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Today’s blog brought to you by superduper awesome guest blogger Junebug.

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WHEN YOU’RE SINGLE, Valentine’s Day is a front-runner for the worst holiday of the year. Unlike Christmas or Easter or even Canada Day, you still have to go to work. Without a significant other, you don’t even get presents. There’s no material advantage whatsoever.

487659_10151493677621217_505982478_nEvery Valentine’s day since I’ve been single, and someone hears of my dislike of the day, I am the target of knowing glances and smirks. Which makes me defensive. Can’t a single girl dislike Valentine’s day without the accusation of being “bitter and single”? Well, actually, no. I am bitter and single. Primarily because while single, it is impossible to spin Valentine’s day into a day about ME. Birthday? My day. Christmas? I get presents. Easter? Baby Jesus died so I get chocolate. Halloween? Skanks and chocolate. All of those things that make me happy. Valentine’s day? I’m single, so no free chocolate for me.

Do I sound obsessed with chocolate? I think it’s a healthy obsession.

The dictatorial grip of this holiday sucks

The dictatorial grip of this holiday sucks

I also find it worrisome that couples need a specific day to celebrate their love (what happens in the remaining 364 days of the year?). Don’t get me wrong. I condone the idea of celebrating love, but I prefer weddings – bigass party, celebrating two people’s commitment to their love. Falling in love is hard, and maintaining & fostering that love is even harder – it deserves to be celebrated, for it really is an accomplishment. Also weddings are a valid excuse to dress up pretty, flirt with the best man, and dance awkwardly on a dance floor in front of the in-laws. MUCH more entertaining than Valentine’s day.

Maybe if Cupid took a marketing class or two, and re-branded Valentine’s day, it wouldn’t sit so badly with most of the male population and the entire single girl population. Cupid, just because you are cute and cuddly, and kinda badass with your bow & arrow, doesn’t mean you can slack off. Brand management is a pretty big deal, nowadays! Valentine’s Day needs to be sexed up.

Everyone's Day

Everyone’s Day

An attempt at this has been made by the modern man with Steak and Blowjob day – taking place on March 14th, one month after V Day – which has its perks as it increases everyone’s protein intake. But that day misses some of the magical festive feel that all other holidays have. I propose that the inherent problem with these holidays is that by their very nature, they limit the party to only two people. It’s hard to get a mass party going when it then breaks down into couples of two and excludes a broad swathe of the population, i.e. single people. Unless the party is an orgy. Then that party model works just fine. However, orgies are not easily marketable to the mass population. Therefore, I think Valentine’s day should just be a pink version of Halloween, where girls get to dress up as sluts, eat chocolate and men ogle them happily. EVERYBODY wins AND children can just focus on the socially acceptable aspects (pink and candy). Cupid, you are welcome.

I’m off to get some chocolate.

 

 

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IT’S THE QUESTION OF OUR TIMES. Which Disney Princess is the most bangable? The answer is Jasmine. Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine. In fact, she is the only real option. Here’s why.

Aurora: She likes hitting the mattress, but all she wants to do is sleep.

disney-princess-real-life-3

Too tired again

Cinderella: Innocent and virginal. I.e. boring.

Wait . . . This isn't how I remember it.

At least . . . Wait. This isn’t how I remember it.

Mulan: Mulan is gung-ho, intelligent and independent – and therefore hot. The problem is that when she disguises herself as a boy, it’s TOO successful. Try getting down and dirty with that image in your mind.

Boy, bend over

“You are either the cutest boy or the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen.”

Tiana: Ambitious, hard-working and driven. But also a frog a lot of the time. And when I try to imagine her in bed, all I can think about is that horrible video where that chimp has sex with the frog. Don’t look it up.

Give it to me ribbit

“Give it to me ribbit.”

Esmerelda: Not an official DP (Disney Princess, get your mind out of the gutter) but whatever. Esmerelda is free-spirited and sexy. But she’s always with her goat, Djali. The thing follows her everywhere. You know how weird it is when your cat watches you have sex? Now imagine a goat.

"What? Is this a cock block?!"

“What? Is this a cock block?!”

Pocahontas: If this is the same Pocahontas from history, then when she met John Smith she was 12 years old.

Not even jailbait.

Matured early?

Matured early

Ariel:

1. She’s a ginger and arguably has no soul.

2. As a mermaid, she has a fish tail. Now, even leaving aside the shudder when you imagine running a hand down those cold scales, this is a reproduction game changer. How do fish have sex? Let’s put it like this. If you want to watch Ariel shoot eggs out of her vagina and then jizz on them . . . all yours.

3. As a human, she is uncoordinated and awkward.

You make a compelling counter-argument.

Although you make a compelling counter-argument, sexy version Ariel.

Nala: is a lioness. Not a human.

. . . OK, fine. I would too.

I . . . Don't look at me.

I . . . Don’t look at me.

Snow White: Snow White is a prime example of a sexually oblivious female. She lives with seven grown men, but acts like their mother. She probably thinks a penis is someone who plays the piano.

I mean I could be wrong.

I mean . . . I could be wrong.

Megara: is for sure on heroine. Look at how skinny her arms are. (Also: technically not a DP).

"I don't have any bottom teeth."

“I don’t have any bottom teeth.”

Rapunzel: her eyes are larger than her breasts. Her child-like body is disconcerting. I can sooner see her as a little sister than a fuck buddy.

Humbert Humbert, lookout

Humbert Humbert, lookout

Belle: Belle is Jasmine’s principal rival because she’s gorgeous and reads books: win. The problem is that she’s the ultimate Nice Girl. There’s no sass in this one. Try to imagine post-argument make-up sex with Belle. It’s impossible, because there was never any argument. There’s also her attraction to Beast – a raging lunatic who was cursed for being an asshole. Yeah, he has a soft and gentle centre. But so does everybody, when you get to know them. Everyone has something human and vulnerable inside. Belle is a Nice Girl who falls for a Douche.

Belle: the poster child for Stockholm Syndrome. And bestiality.

Belle: the poster child for Stockholm Syndrome.

And bestiality.

And bestiality.

disney-princess-real-life-5

JASMINE: the only Princess with breasts. She’s smart, independent and feisty. She has pep coming out of her ears – it’s a pep fountain, you could bottle it and sell it to boring Princesses like Snow White, Aurora and Cinderella and make them interesting. Jasmine is the only Princess who really seems to own her sexuality. The others feel like they’ve been lifted from a commercial for Pledge Multi Surface Cleaner: they’re great potential housewives, not ideal romantic and sexual partners. Jasmine will argue with you, she’ll call your bluffs, and she’ll fuck the living shit out of you, you can tell because she looks exactly like Kim Kardashian:

Kim-Kardashian

She’ll go on wild adventures and ride your magic carpet. She’s cool if your pet is a monkey who probably has fleas and rabies and she’s OK with it if you’re actually a homeless bum who steals for a living and you always wear the same shirt, and that shirt is purple.

AND she looks crazy hot in slave gear.

jasmineslave

God, Jasmine, marry me.

disney-princess-jasmine

jasmine

Over, sideways and under

dpjasmine

bangable12

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