IT’S THE QUESTION OF OUR TIMES. Which Disney Princess is the most bangable? The answer is Jasmine. Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine. In fact, she is the only real option. Here’s why.
Aurora: She likes hitting the mattress, but all she wants to do is sleep.
Cinderella: Innocent and virginal. I.e. boring.
Mulan: Mulan is gung-ho, intelligent and independent – and therefore hot. The problem is that when she disguises herself as a boy, it’s TOO successful. Try getting down and dirty with that image in your mind.
Tiana: Ambitious, hard-working and driven. But also a frog a lot of the time. And when I try to imagine her in bed, all I can think about is that horrible video where that chimp has sex with the frog. Don’t look it up.
Esmerelda: Not an official DP (Disney Princess, get your mind out of the gutter) but whatever. Esmerelda is free-spirited and sexy. But she’s always with her goat, Djali. The thing follows her everywhere. You know how weird it is when your cat watches you have sex? Now imagine a goat.
Pocahontas: If this is the same Pocahontas from history, then when she met John Smith she was 12 years old.
Not even jailbait.
1. She’s a ginger and arguably has no soul.
2. As a mermaid, she has a fish tail. Now, even leaving aside the shudder when you imagine running a hand down those cold scales, this is a reproduction game changer. How do fish have sex? Let’s put it like this. If you want to watch Ariel shoot eggs out of her vagina and then jizz on them . . . all yours.
3. As a human, she is uncoordinated and awkward.
Nala: is a lioness. Not a human.
. . . OK, fine. I would too.
Snow White: Snow White is a prime example of a sexually oblivious female. She lives with seven grown men, but acts like their mother. She probably thinks a penis is someone who plays the piano.
Megara: is for sure on heroine. Look at how skinny her arms are. (Also: technically not a DP).
Rapunzel: her eyes are larger than her breasts. Her child-like body is disconcerting. I can sooner see her as a little sister than a fuck buddy.
Belle: Belle is Jasmine’s principal rival because she’s gorgeous and reads books: win. The problem is that she’s the ultimate Nice Girl. There’s no sass in this one. Try to imagine post-argument make-up sex with Belle. It’s impossible, because there was never any argument. There’s also her attraction to Beast – a raging lunatic who was cursed for being an asshole. Yeah, he has a soft and gentle centre. But so does everybody, when you get to know them. Everyone has something human and vulnerable inside. Belle is a Nice Girl who falls for a Douche.
JASMINE: the only Princess with breasts. She’s smart, independent and feisty. She has pep coming out of her ears – it’s a pep fountain, you could bottle it and sell it to boring Princesses like Snow White, Aurora and Cinderella and make them interesting. Jasmine is the only Princess who really seems to own her sexuality. The others feel like they’ve been lifted from a commercial for Pledge Multi Surface Cleaner: they’re great potential housewives, not ideal romantic and sexual partners. Jasmine will argue with you, she’ll call your bluffs, and she’ll fuck the living shit out of you, you can tell because she looks exactly like Kim Kardashian:
She’ll go on wild adventures and ride your magic carpet. She’s cool if your pet is a monkey who probably has fleas and rabies and she’s OK with it if you’re actually a homeless bum who steals for a living and you always wear the same shirt, and that shirt is purple.
AND she looks crazy hot in slave gear.
God, Jasmine, marry me.