“I WOULD RAVAGE YOU with the force of 1000 Greek gods,” I wrote.
“Do you think Poseidon smelt like fish?” she asked.
“Oh. I don’t know. That’s a good question I guess.”
Sometimes sexting doesn’t work. These are things that the real gods didn’t have to worry about. But they did have to worry about something else – smelling like fish. This was probably the least of Poseidon’s problems however. Look at his wife:
Where did he turn for kicks? It gets lonely down in the ocean, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe he found what Akon found – a sexy fish. But sex with fish isn’t what you think it is – ask Ariel. I have never personally ejaculated onto fish eggs in the ocean . . . yet . . . but I imagine it is a singularly unsatisfying experience. Hopefully Poseidon stuck to mammals like dolphins, who have regular sex, although they also do some pretty weird things with their blowholes.
Thinking about the gods can put our own problems into perspective
Worst. Awakening. Ever.
Zeus’ problem was that he was just too potent. In fact, he would sometimes impregnate people by accident, such as his mother Gaia. He also had some weird fetishes. Example: he once had sex as a swan. He also seduced unsuspecting ladies using the forms of a serpent and a white bull. It’s sort of the opposite of a bestiality fetish, because instead of sexing an animal as a human, you’re sexing a human AS an animal. It’s more like being a furry. Furries are people who dress up as animals to have sex (yes this is a real thing. Click here for Wikipedia). I understand Zeus’ choice of a bull – a bull is strong and powerful and has glossy back hair that shimmers in the sunshine. But I struggle to understand the swan. Imagine this conversation with your partner:
“… and then the masseuse just rips off my towel and starts fucking me. What about you, what fantasies do you have?”
“Uuum I really want to have sex with someone as a duck.”
“Oh . . . I . . . see.”
“Yeah. Or like a chicken or something. Or maybe something really out there . . . Really masculine . . . Like a swan.”
“Baby . . . get out of me. Now. I . . . have a headache.”
“A beautiful swan, its feathers so soft and velvet, it’s neck long and elegant, and the feet . . . The rubbery feet . . .”
“OH GOD JUST STOP.”
What’s wrong? Don’t you want me?
The gods also had problems with people not wanting to be raped by them. Having read up to here, I know you’re really confused about why anyone would not want to have sex with a god. Because mmm seafood/cows/swans. But it happened. When Demeter changed herself into a mare to hide from Poseidon, the god of the sea transformed himself into a stallion and chased her down. To escape Apollo, the wood nymph Daphne turned herself into a tree. Actually pretty dumb when you think about it. Anyone can hump a tree. I would have turned myself into a cactus.
At least then you would only have to worry about this guy
The gods were good at getting around the rape dilemma, coming up with all sorts of tricks. One time Poseidon disguised himself as the river god Enipeus in order to seduce Tyro, a mortal woman who was in love with said river divinity. Zeus pulled one of these too, disguising himself as a woman’s husband. Which is one up on the old Phantom/Poltergeist/Houdini (in which a man in doggy style position secretly trades places with a friend and runs outside to wave at his female partner through the window. . . Apparently people do this.)
The biggest problem the gods faced however was being sexy as fuck, and knowing it. Look:
This sexiness led to a lot of pride which meant they could take slights pretty personally. The goddesses once challenged the mortal man Paris to choose who was sexier. Hera, Athena and Aphrodite got all nude and offered him various bribes. Sound good? No. Think about it. This is the worst situation for a man ever. It’s like having three girlfriends and one day they ask you, which one of us is fatter? No matter what, you’re fucked.
Run . . . Just fucking run
Paris should have said, screw this, and turned himself into a cactus. But he didn’t. He chose Aphrodite, who had offered him Helen of Troy, and look how that turned out: in revenge, Hera took the side of the Greeks against the Trojans and Paris was killed in the conflict. She then raped him disguised as a bull disguised as his wife. She might have anyway. The gods had problems.
“I would ravage you with the force of 1000 pretty normal down-to-earth guys and definitely not as a duck.”
Best to play it safe.
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