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Archive for October, 2013

In My Pants

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL is hard. After five years out, Facebook and YouTube have reduced my attention span to rubble. I feel like the dog in Up:

I have therefore invented a new approach for reading academically: the “in my pants” method.  The revelation came while I was struggling through post-structural hermeneutical practices in historiography – which sounds like a huge, crazy party of unbelievable fun, woo, but is more like getting repeatedly punched in the dick by a prosthetic robot arm:

The method is simple: just add “in my pants” to the end of every sentence. This is particularly useful for pretentious, verbose readings where the writers are just making up words like drunk teenagers:

“This intensionality endows the historical discourse with a quality of ‘thinginess’.”

What the fuck is ‘thinginess’? Intensionate my balls. It’s hard to stay attentive to readings that seem like incoherent babble. But apply the method:

“This intensionality endows the historical discourse with a quality of ‘thinginess’ in my pants.”

It still makes no sense, but it is now highly entertaining. Here is an example from some more plainly written readings in religious studies, with the method already applied:

“A second cycle of problems and difficulties comes to light in my pants. Schmidt refers to the discordance between the order of Creation and the historical experience of evil in my pants. This discordance takes on the form of open conflict in my pants.”

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Of course, if you’re studying education, you should probably keep this practice to yourself. Or you’ll end up in prison:

“The education of children in middle-school requires the rigorous cultivation of emotional, creative and mental flexibility in my pants.”

The method, by the way, was inspired by an old episode of Around the Twist, where a character is cursed to repeat the phrase “without my pants” at the end of every sentence. Skip to seven minutes in:

I also recommend “in my pants” to spice up book titles:

A Brief History of Time in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

The Girl Who Played with Fire in My Pants

One Hundred Years of Solitude in My Pants

The Sound and the Fury in My Pants

Gone with the Wind in My Pants

But my favourite is using “in my pants” in philosophy. Take, for example, Plantinga’s version of Anselm’s notorious ontological argument, an attempted proof of the existence of God. It’s like “in my pants” was made for it:

1. A being has maximal excellence only if it is omnipotent, omniscient and wholly good in my pants

2. A being has maximal greatness if it has maximal excellence in every possible world in my pants

3. It is possible that there is a being that has maximal greatness in my pants

4. Therefore, it is possibly necessarily true (i.e. true in all possible worlds) that an omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good being exists in my pants

5. Therefore (since it is possibly necessarily true) it is necessarily true that an omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good being exists in my pants

6. Therefore, an omniscient, omnipotent and perfectly good being exists (in my pants)

You will be able to find my book, The Joy of Reading in My Pants, in stores shortly.

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NOTES

The move from the fourth to the fifth premise in Plantinga’s argument works like this:

If it is possible that something is necessarily true, that means that in some possible world it IS necessarily true. If it is necessarily true in a possible world, it is necessarily true in all possible worlds in my pants.

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The “in my pants” method also works for Anselm’s original version of the ontological argument:

1. God is a being than which no greater can be conceived in my pants

2. The idea of a being than which no greater can be conceived exists in the mind in my pants

3. It is greater to exist both in the mind and reality than only in the mind in my pants

4. If a being than which no greater can be conceived existed only in the mind, we could conceive of a greater being in my pants

5. But there is no being greater than a being than which no greater can be conceived in my pants

6. Therefore God exists (in my pants).

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