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Archive for July, 2014

SO THE OTHER DAY I TOOK A LOOK at the search terms that bring people to my blog. “Probably,” I thought, “a diverse range of topics attract my readers – philosophy, history, literature . . .”

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Wait a second … What? Sexy Jasmine? Disney sex? THAT WAS ONE POST.

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“TAKING OVER YOUR BLOG MOTHERFUCKER”

So I looked at the search terms from the day before:

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OK. Well, maybe this is a recent phenomenon. Maybe there’s an explosion of interest in eroticised cartoon characters. Disney porn. It’s like . . . softcore Hentai. I get it.

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. . . I said I GET IT

But I mean . . . I write about a lot of things. Evolution. Apocalypticism. Boogers. Surely these also make the cut. So I expanded the statistics to the last seven days.

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… What the Hell? I’M A RESOURCE FOR DISNEY PORN. I pulled up the statistics for all time:

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I …

Don’t look at me.

Thank God there’s “sweaty balls” in there. And “boogers.” Sweaty balls and boogers are saving me from being a straight up Disney porn website. Throwing in some variety. A bit of class. So that when I go to that job interview, and the man behind the desk asks me: “So it says here on your CV that you have a blog which is a popular source of Disney porn,” I can say, “ACTUALLY, it ALSO features sweaty balls and boogers.”

You know what? Fuck it. I am what I am:

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Wait . . . WTF?

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WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

P.S. I love you Jasmine.

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WHAT’S UP SQUIRT?

SO A . . . FRIEND OF MINE . . . STUMBLED ACROSS a book about squirting. The title of this majestic work: How To Make Your Girl Squirt Like a Fountain. What kind of fountain though? Like . . . a drinking fountain? Or like, the Jet d’Eau in Geneva?

fountain

Anyway, it turns out the writing was outsourced to a non-native English speaker, who leant rather heavily on a dictionary. I present to you: how to make a woman squirt, in five easy steps.

STEP ONE: FIND THE “G-DETECT”

The first thing you want to do is find the G-Detect:

G detect

Which is actually fairly easy:

maritime

So somewhere between the pubic hill:

I believe the one on the left

I believe the one on the left

And the Maritimes:

maritimes

You may need to rent a car.

STEP TWO: TALK MESSY

Once the G-Detect is located, ease your lady into the mood with some unkempt messy talk:

bow

 

messy talk

“I’m going to ignore the dirty dishes, leave my socks on the floor and rub my laundry in your face. Aw yeah.”

STEP THREE: INFILTRATE HER VAGINA

It’s go time! Carefully infiltrate the vagina. Maybe don a disguise? Like . . . of another vagina? I don’t know. Do what you need to do:

infiltrate

Operation Desert Vajayjay

Operation Desert Vajayjay

Had to throw some seamen in there (sorry)

STEP FOUR: FINGER HER AND BOW

A lot of men don’t realise how much bowing turns women on. Bowing communicates class and confidence. Especially if done at the same time as this:

bosoms!

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“I’d just like to take this opportunity, as you reach climax, of taking a little bow to acknowledge my performance.”

STEP FIVE: PREPARE FOR A SPOUTING FLUID

Weather forecast: cloudy with a chance of soaring fluid shooting high into the Sun.

spouting

DOUSE ME

winter is coming

Thar she blows!

 

squirt GIF

So now you know.

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I’M ALIVE

WELL. Look who’s come crawling back. ME. I always feel like I’m doing the Walk of Shame when I return to my blog after such a long hiatus.

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Why do we still call it the Walk of Shame? Why isn’t it the Walk of I Just Got Laid and I’m Pretty Happy About it Actually? It should be the Walk of Pride. Or maybe more of a Saunter. A Swagger. Something connoting a jaunty bounce in the step.

Anyway, point is I WAS BUSY OK? I had to learn Ancient Greek and go to Israel and move house and … and … I just forgot to write. A wise voice whispers: “You are only judging … yourself.” It’s true. Me, I forgive you. But listen, me, let’s get writing. If it really is The Last Year of Earthly Things … well you’ve pretty well so far. You released your EP (more on this soon) and travelled to the Holy Land. But there’s still a lot more to do before you can go out with a smug nod of satisfaction to the Fates – a Swagger of I Just Fucked the Hell Out of Life, so to speak.

Let’s go.

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