SO A . . . FRIEND OF MINE . . . STUMBLED ACROSS a book about squirting. The title of this majestic work: How To Make Your Girl Squirt Like a Fountain. What kind of fountain though? Like . . . a drinking fountain? Or like, the Jet d’Eau in Geneva?
Anyway, it turns out the writing was outsourced to a non-native English speaker, who leant rather heavily on a dictionary. I present to you: how to make a woman squirt, in five easy steps.
STEP ONE: FIND THE “G-DETECT”
The first thing you want to do is find the G-Detect:
Which is actually fairly easy:
So somewhere between the pubic hill:
And the Maritimes:
You may need to rent a car.
STEP TWO: TALK MESSY
Once the G-Detect is located, ease your lady into the mood with some unkempt messy talk:
STEP THREE: INFILTRATE HER VAGINA
It’s go time! Carefully infiltrate the vagina. Maybe don a disguise? Like . . . of another vagina? I don’t know. Do what you need to do:
STEP FOUR: FINGER HER AND BOW
A lot of men don’t realise how much bowing turns women on. Bowing communicates class and confidence. Especially if done at the same time as this:
STEP FIVE: PREPARE FOR A SPOUTING FLUID
Weather forecast: cloudy with a chance of soaring fluid shooting high into the Sun.
So now you know.