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End-of-the-WorldSO HERE WE ARE. The Last Year of Earthly Things. No really. This could be it. The big one. The final countdown. The last grains of sand in the hourglass. In 2012, I decided to live my life as if each year were the last, because who knows? In many ways, this project changed my life. I flew back home to see my family. I started grad school. I recorded my first EP, and a full-length album is coming soon. The Last Year of Earthly Things kicked me into action. However, I have been very sporadic with this blog, and I’m making some changes.

From now on, The Last Year of Earthly Things will be a personal blog about my mission to live each year as if it were the last. Random funny things – observations, rants, and thoughts at 2am – will move to a new blog, Last Hurrah. In short: The Last Year of Earthly Things: stuff about me and my projects. Last Hurrah: new and old funny stuff.

Welcome to the new Last Year of Earthly Things, 2015. My goals:

* release an album

* write a novel (or at least the first draft)

* improve my French and Spanish

* get into the best shape of my life

* get a Master degree

Easy. Let’s go.

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“BANG BANG”

Original lyrics: here

 

JESSIE J

That other girl is pleasing in appearance, with wide hips and an arousing bottom

But I can service your sexual needs more often and give you greater pleasure

(You have been awaiting sexual fulfilment, which is at hand)

You should have intimate relations with me, as I will be good to you sexually

 

CHORUS

Loud noises/ejaculations in the room (I know you want sexual relations with me)

Loud noises/ejaculations all over you (You can have sexual relations with me)

Wait for me to stimulate you to orgasm

Loud noises/ejaculations as you develop feelings for me (I know you want sexual relations with me)

Let us fornicate in the back seat of my car (You can have sexual relations with me)

Wait for me to stimulate you to orgasm

 

ARIANA GRANDE

She permitted you light physical contact, but I will have full sexual intercourse with you

You don’t need to talk, just show me your genitalia, the product of inheritance

(You have a sizeable penis!)

You should have intimate relations with me, as I am sexually available

 

CHORUS

 

NIKKI MINAJ

It is a fruit infused moscato beverage which I co-own

It is I, with great energy, making sounds of surprise and/or excitement

We have achieved financial success, and drive a blue car

My vagina is very good

It is secreting fluid onto an engorged penis

Comparable to a steam engine, or a superhero committing theft using a gun.

I am socially dominant

I, Jessi K and Ariana Grande sing this song

If people try to undermine me, I have strategies at my disposal that will make them wish they had not

I sit atop a man’s penis as if it were a motorcycle

Then depart in his expensive car

If a man has a sizeable penis we will communicate via telephone and have sex

I intend to perform oral sex and/or sing

 

CHORUS

Jessie J: sexual

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ONE OF MY RESOLUTIONS for the last year of earthly things is to get into the best shape ever, in accordance with the motto of my blog: Act as if each year is the last. If we’re all going to die, I want to die pretty.

So about a month ago I changed my eating habits and gym routine. Here are the Before photos:

Wait. So . . . I forgot to take Before photos. Here are photos taken a few days ago:

IMG_0693 IMG_0694

You might think I chose my posture to highlight the eventual contrast between the Before and After photos, but this is just how I stand, man.

Using the latest body imaging software, I factored in my age, diet, gym routine and so on to create this computer generated prediction of my gains in three months time:

IMG_0695

I have to say, the image produced by this software is surprisingly realistic. You can’t tell that it’s computer generated at all. I was expecting some photoshopped monstrosity – but instead, it looks exactly like a normal person who just happens to have enormous muscles. I.e. me (in a few months time). Actually, I also had the software generate an image of my predicted gains in one year’s time:

vin

That’s right. I’m going to become Vin Diesel. Two years:

hercules GIF

Three:

muscles super saiyan

Eventually:

muscles beyonce

Wish me luck.

 

 

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SO THE OTHER DAY I TOOK A LOOK at the search terms that bring people to my blog. “Probably,” I thought, “a diverse range of topics attract my readers – philosophy, history, literature . . .”

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Wait a second … What? Sexy Jasmine? Disney sex? THAT WAS ONE POST.

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“TAKING OVER YOUR BLOG MOTHERFUCKER”

So I looked at the search terms from the day before:

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OK. Well, maybe this is a recent phenomenon. Maybe there’s an explosion of interest in eroticised cartoon characters. Disney porn. It’s like . . . softcore Hentai. I get it.

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. . . I said I GET IT

But I mean . . . I write about a lot of things. Evolution. Apocalypticism. Boogers. Surely these also make the cut. So I expanded the statistics to the last seven days.

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… What the Hell? I’M A RESOURCE FOR DISNEY PORN. I pulled up the statistics for all time:

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I …

Don’t look at me.

Thank God there’s “sweaty balls” in there. And “boogers.” Sweaty balls and boogers are saving me from being a straight up Disney porn website. Throwing in some variety. A bit of class. So that when I go to that job interview, and the man behind the desk asks me: “So it says here on your CV that you have a blog which is a popular source of Disney porn,” I can say, “ACTUALLY, it ALSO features sweaty balls and boogers.”

You know what? Fuck it. I am what I am:

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Wait . . . WTF?

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WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

P.S. I love you Jasmine.

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I’M ALIVE

WELL. Look who’s come crawling back. ME. I always feel like I’m doing the Walk of Shame when I return to my blog after such a long hiatus.

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Why do we still call it the Walk of Shame? Why isn’t it the Walk of I Just Got Laid and I’m Pretty Happy About it Actually? It should be the Walk of Pride. Or maybe more of a Saunter. A Swagger. Something connoting a jaunty bounce in the step.

Anyway, point is I WAS BUSY OK? I had to learn Ancient Greek and go to Israel and move house and … and … I just forgot to write. A wise voice whispers: “You are only judging … yourself.” It’s true. Me, I forgive you. But listen, me, let’s get writing. If it really is The Last Year of Earthly Things … well you’ve pretty well so far. You released your EP (more on this soon) and travelled to the Holy Land. But there’s still a lot more to do before you can go out with a smug nod of satisfaction to the Fates – a Swagger of I Just Fucked the Hell Out of Life, so to speak.

Let’s go.

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Guestblogger Jennifer Kruidbos writes about how to let go and go for broke in The Last Year of Earthly Things.

Why we need to get comfortable creating bad stuff if we want to create good stuff

The last year of earthly things is about doing more of what makes you really freakin’ happy. Like really happy. Happy as this guy:

Hahhhhhpeeeeeeeee

Hahhhhhpeeeeeeeee

So I’m sharing a big secret I figured out: You have to do what makes you happy even if that means you suck at it (or think you suck at it, or don’t think you suck at it, but other people think you do).

If there is something you love to do, you have to do it.

For instance dance:

elaine gif

Or sing:

bob dylan

Or write:

snoopy

There’s a good chance that if you love something (movies, yoga, essays, books, music, reporting, making memes) then you probably are pretty good at figuring out what is really good and what is rubbish.

You can see and smell the difference between something that is so powerful, authentic and artfully human that it moves people to tears, versus something that makes people tear up because it smells worse than a used diaper wrapped in burnt rubber. There’s a great little video all about this, so if you’re bored reading my article, this is probably a better use of your time:

What I am interested in is our relationship with the so-called amazing examples, the archetypes. Archetypes epitomize the ideal in a specific domain. They are amazing and inspiring, and what you are doing (and what I am doing) is burning rubber in diaperville by comparison, which is just fine EXCEPT when it makes you stop doing, making, creating, all those things that make you freakin happy OR when you are doing it in a way that you are trying to copy. In other words, you are trying to be like her:

All hail Queen B

All hail Queen B

When your version looks like this

We so excited

We so excited

just don’t worry about it. Stop comparing and trying to be like Bey. Don’t worry that you’ll never be as sexy as Beyonce. Rather, enjoy the inspiration. (I feel sexier knowing that Beyonce exisits.) But stop with the guru worship. The reason why you see the beauty in someone like Beyonce (or Hemingway, or whomever you admire) is because you have that greatness in you and you’re seeing a reflection of it. So enjoy it and let it light you up and then put it out there bit by terrifying bit!

And don’t waste too much time making fun of other people’s diaperville creations because while you are busy making fun of them, they are likely trying new things and growing and getting better. Then who will be laughing?

A personal anecdote…

From a very young age I wanted to sing on stage. I wasn’t born with the same incredible talent as many of my musical heroes.

i wanna dance GIF

So my desire to be good and observation that I was quite untalented meant I didn’t do anything musical. It felt terrible.

But dozens of years later, the desire to do what I love would not go away, so I took one small timid, awkward step towards it in the form of a voice lesson, then another and then another. Now I play keyboards and sing back up in an alternative rock band and it is SO MUCH FREAKING FUN! I know I still sound like diapers some of the time, but it doesn’t matter, because I’m always getting better. The same story goes with being a yogapreneur but that’s for another post.

Why get vulnerable and real about the fact that most of what I make I consider to be quite mediocre? Because recently a few people have asked to have coffee with me and ask how I have built up a decent sized office yoga business in 18 months etc. I’m thinking in some small way, they may see me as closer to the inspiration side than the diaper side of the spectrum, so when they go and try to do what makes them happy and have a hard time and feel like they suck, I want them to know that most days I have a hard time and think I suck too… but it doesn’t matter because the joy of doing it and moving towards what feels really good is worth it. And I actually see my self getting better really slowly. The progress feels like molasses most days, but at least it’s happening.

My old writing style was to write and share a couple years after going through the challenges because it is so much easier to look back when things are going great, but I think it is a lot harder, and thus a lot more valuable to share honestly from a challenging vantage point, especially in the age of “Look at me and my awesome Facebook life” (example: blogger Veronique Grenier addresses how parents only show off the celestial, tender parts of parenting, when the reality is a lot more frustrating. In her blog, Les P’tits pis Moe, she refers to her kids as being in the “Terrible twos and fucking fours”).

The cool part is that the more you do what makes you happy and the less you care about how crappy it is, the more you are freeing other people to do what makes them happy which is really important in a world where there is pressure to be a certain way.

Letting go of a strict definition of success has freed me. Are there areas in your life where you are holding back because of your need to meet the archetypal standard or you’re uncomfortable with starting in diaperville?

(Sorry if I offended any of the 70 people who live in Diaperville, Wisconsin with this post).

– Jennifer Kruidbos

www.jenniferkruidbos.com

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scumbag-brain-meme-template-blank“GO BACK TO SLEEP.”

“We already went to sleep! Now we’re awake!”

“It’s three in the morning, brain.”

“OK, but we’ve been asleep for a while now. Clearly, it’s time to lie in the dark peering into the gloom and pondering our life.”

“Fuck. I’m just going to play Bioshock Infinite for an hour until I get sleepy.”

FOUR HOURS LATER

“I can’t believe that didn’t work.”

Welcome to 2014. I like the sound of that. It makes me sound like this year’s host. Come, please, sit down, mi año es tu año. I can’t sleep and I need to talk to you.

So. We’re not dead . . . again. The end of the world was nigh – but not that nigh. The original Last Year of Earthly Things was supposed to be 2012. But we survived. Then it was supposed to be 2013. And here we are again – and we have been given one more year. So sit down with me for a moment and chew on this.

matrixImagine that you had one year to live. Suppose that scientists have discovered that an asteroid is going to destroy all life on Earth. Or a supervolcano. Or a world-shattering earthquake. Then again, it might not be a natural disaster. It might be war, or disease, or a kaiju. It might be a driver in the middle of the night, headlights blinding as you step off the curb. But imagine that you somehow know this is going to happen.

What do you do with that year?

This question makes me think about everything I like doing. Writing, reading, laughing with friends, going to the gym, seeing my family and travelling. Last year, I rushed to the Amazon and Angel Falls, and finished my EP (which will be released soon). But then in the last few months I sort of lost my way . . . treading water as I tried to keep up with grad school. Now that we have one more year, we can’t take it for granted.

On December 21st, 2014, the world is going to end. This is IT. Every single day counts.

Welcome to the Last Year of Earthly Things.

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